Sunday, 24 February 2013

TRoL the Third: Argonian Pincushion

Lordy scrambled around the place - tackling pirates and fumbling masts in a desperate attempt to jump the plank. His only chance at escape. Swords slashed air while arrows slid by his back.

 Lordy: Ahhggh!!

Pain entrenched his right shoulder. Then again at his waist. Then again at his left shoulder and again just below.

Lordy fell towards a glistening saber; held high above the head of the one who would end him. Half a moon was cleft into quarters by the light of that sword, and Lordy knew the end was near. 

With all he had left, Lordy pushed himself forward, tripping over his own feet and into the waist of the cutlass wielding pirate. Together they tumbled through the abyss of the sea; coughing, spluttering and panting within the seemingly rage-filled waters of the dock.

The fight went on, but eventually Lordy emerged. It had lasted a whole eight hours, and within the first half hour the pirate had drowned - but Lordy did not realize this, as he could breathe underwater...

 Lordy: ...and that's how I got this hat.

Lordy took the last bite of his pig's blood pudding and bid farewell to the tavernkeep. His search for the note would continue. He rose from his seat, and suddenly a shocking pain fell through him. He wondered hard for a split second. What is causing such pain? What have I encumbered, what ailment could have harmed me so much?


Lordy wondered and wondered, but the entrancing pain numbed his reason. Soon he was interrupted by a familiar voice...

 Citizen: Mer-her, Argonian Pincushion.

The Tavern went silent. Waves of trepidation took the nervous occupants as Lordy slowly turned round to face the man who had disgraced his race.

 Lordy: Who has disgraced my race?!

 Citizen: Not your race *snort.* Just you.

 Lordy: I see. Then this makes it personal.

 Citizen: Uhh, Uhh. Don't take me, take my wife.

 Lordy: A wife to you? Why, she must be no more than a fish to a fishmonger.

 Citizen: Uhh, Uhh. Okay. Take my wife's boss' husbands' uncle's favourite barkeep then.

 Lordy: And who would this barkeep be?

 Citizen: Uhh, Uhh. She's called Augusta, she sleeps behind the counter.

 Lordy: I see. Very well, I will accept your offering in place of your life.

Lordy put his search for the note on hold in favour of the citizen's reparation.

...

Later that night....



Gufufufu, what a heavy sleeper.

Lordy swiftly ran his hands down her backsi- 

 Lordy: Quiet Narrator! She will hear you! And then my perverse ways will be ill at ease!

Lordy envisioned the situation. The citizen said he could have her. Now, he surely had no right to say that, but Lordy thought that Lordy was sitting here right now and any excuse to carry on was  a good excuse.

There was only one problem.

What does it mean to "Have her?"


Lordy wondered meticulously.



Saturday, 16 February 2013

Wednesday, 13 February 2013

Meticulous

Meticulous, Meticulous, Meticulous, Meticulous...

Showing great attention to detail; very careful and precise.

Maybe a tad... over precise?

...

...

...

I would post a picture, but I'm too meticulous.

Monday, 11 February 2013

The Rings of Lordy 2: The Legless Bandit

In the hours after his last Adventure, our titular Hero Lordy has taken refuge in an old man's basement.

 Lordy: But really. I can't express how grateful I am for your hospitality.
 Intrepid man: Why are you doing this to me?!
 Lordy: You'd never believe the trouble I got myself into...
 Intrepid man: Oh God. Oh God I can believe anything now!
 Lordy: And then this guy, Lucien, showed up with these new clothes...
 *Sounds of coughing and spluttering*
 Lordy: Oh man are they comfortable.
 ...
 Lordy: I swear though, he just crept on me while I slept.
 ...
 Lordy: I guess it's okay since he gave me this attire.
 ... *Twitch*
 Lordy: Hey, why aren't you saying anything?


Comon bro, you're embarrassing me.

With a sigh, Lordy left the basement. He had slept there after all, so it was of no more use to him. He crept up the stairs and out the front door - and into the streets of The Imperial City.

Lordy swept across the streets of the metropolis; sword in hand, he was sure that this time no one would catch him in the wrong. All the while he went he was met by odd looks and terrified smiles. "Put that sword away!" was the usual greeting from the townsfolk; and he was sure to return it every time.

 Lordy: Citizen! I instruct you to find me something to do!
 Citizen: If you're looking for work, you should visit the Fighter's Guild.
 Lordy: I see. I shall go to this Fighter's Guild, and become the Champion Fighter.
 Citizen: Don't talk to me jerk.

Lordy scoured the streets once more in search of the Fighter's Guild. Using his sword as a tracking device, he attempted to sense the presence of powerful fighters so that he may be guided by their knowledge in his search.


Come on Powerful Fighter! Where is the Fighter's Guild?


...


Gufufu, better.

Much to his surprise, it seemed his woman-insulting antics had been long forgotten by the police. That matter had become irrelevant, however, as his life now had some sort of goal. He would find the Fighter's Guild, no matter how long it takes, and he would become the Champion Fighter.

Lordy continued searching. Ever and ever on he went, his hopes of finding that special place never dwindling. Soon darkness crept across the city, and Lordy knew his time was up. He needed to find a place to sleep before it was too late.

At first he considered the basement of that old man; but then it hit him. He had greater things to aspire to, and a far more many places to go - for at his first encounter with the creep-master Lucien Lachance, he had been given a note. That note is important, Lordy thought, as he watched it gust through the alleys and streets of the market district and onto the waterfront.

...

Lordy followed it soon after.

 Lordy: Hmm? What's going on?

Lordy was surrounded. Several pirates jumped him as he boarded the ship that his important note had landed on. Many swords lined his throat.

 Lordy: Come on guys. It's just there.

The important note began fluttering in the breeze.

 Lordy: Oh guys. Come on.

It had soon picked itself off the ground.

 Lordy: Seriously guys.

Making little cartwheels through the air, the important note drifted away.

 Guys.

It was not long before it had swept entirely out of sight.

 Seriously.

The Pirates made no attempt to move.

Thursday, 7 February 2013

Black Sabbath & Philosophy

Yo non-existent readers, haven't posted in a while, so I thought I'd share the most random but awesome purchase I have ever made in my university's on campus library bookstore:


That's right, not only was the library bookstore holding a book about one of the best metal bands ever conceived; it was also holding a book about one of the best metal bands ever conceived and drawing a complete parallel to one of the current modules of my course, namely existentialism.

No, seriously, the parallels are uncanny; Here are some of the Chapter Titles:

- Beyond Good and Evil: Facing Your Demons With Black Sabbath and Existentialism

- Masters of a better possible reality: Conquering Evil With Love

- "Is It the End, My Friend?" Black Sabbath's Apocalypse of Horror

...What was it doing there?